A Hard Look Back

It is tough to deal with looking back at what cancer has done, and how it has altered my life over the past few years. Cancer is something I want to be able to move past, but at the same time it has irreversibly changed many aspects of my life. No matter how much I try to fix or change some things, that really isn't going to matter.

I realize I view myself differently. Pre-cancer, I was very work driven and, although I still work very hard at my job, I don't really know where I want it to go anymore. It is difficult because as I look forward in my career I don't really know where I want that career to go or what I even want that career to be. It is hard to look back and see someone who had so much focus, have little to none anymore.

I used to be a very outgoing person. I used to really like people. I still like people, but I view myself as broken a lot of the time. Why would someone care about me. I had a very random moment today when someone stopped to talk because of my hat (true story) and, I used to be someone who would actually stop and talk for a few minutes. Instead, I said a few pleasantries, didn't really try and kept on my way. It is hard to look back and know I used to be that.

I used to be someone who got excited about things and could carry on through my days very easily. I find it hard to find meaning in the days that I have. I have things I care about, people I care about for sure, but I have no idea how I fit into their lives. I know I am viewed as a damaged person, because, I am. I hate that some of my friendships and relationships used to be so strong and full of life, and not many of those exist today. I still have some, but I feel I have lost some of the "specialness" because of what happened to me. I am so apathetic where I used to be excited. Half of an effort seems like a lot, when I used to give so much. I believe this to be a source of why people (including myself) see me the way they do. Effort is sometimes replaced by apathy.

I had a view of myself before cancer. Life was really really good. Then I got sick. Now, even things that are going well, I struggle with and seem to take a lot of effort. I find it hard to look back and see how happiness came so easily to me before, I didn't have to work hard at these things. I still will, I won't give up because there are people out there I care about a lot. There are people that deserved to be cared about. I have to find a way to convince myself that things will be better, and that way it won't be so hard to look back.