It is tough to deal with looking back at what cancer has done, and how it has altered my life over the past few years. Cancer is something I want to be able to move past, but at the same time it has irreversibly changed many aspects of my life. No matter how much I try to fix or change some things, that really isn't going to matter.
I realize I view myself differently. Pre-cancer, I was very work driven and, although I still work very hard at my job, I don't really know where I want it to go anymore. It is difficult because as I look forward in my career I don't really know where I want that career to go or what I even want that career to be. It is hard to look back and see someone who had so much focus, have little to none anymore.
I used to be a very outgoing person. I used to really like people. I still like people, but I view myself as broken a lot of the time. Why would someone care about me. I had a very random moment today when someone stopped to talk because of my hat (true story) and, I used to be someone who would actually stop and talk for a few minutes. Instead, I said a few pleasantries, didn't really try and kept on my way. It is hard to look back and know I used to be that.
I used to be someone who got excited about things and could carry on through my days very easily. I find it hard to find meaning in the days that I have. I have things I care about, people I care about for sure, but I have no idea how I fit into their lives. I know I am viewed as a damaged person, because, I am. I hate that some of my friendships and relationships used to be so strong and full of life, and not many of those exist today. I still have some, but I feel I have lost some of the "specialness" because of what happened to me. I am so apathetic where I used to be excited. Half of an effort seems like a lot, when I used to give so much. I believe this to be a source of why people (including myself) see me the way they do. Effort is sometimes replaced by apathy.
I had a view of myself before cancer. Life was really really good. Then I got sick. Now, even things that are going well, I struggle with and seem to take a lot of effort. I find it hard to look back and see how happiness came so easily to me before, I didn't have to work hard at these things. I still will, I won't give up because there are people out there I care about a lot. There are people that deserved to be cared about. I have to find a way to convince myself that things will be better, and that way it won't be so hard to look back.