I got great news this week. I am 18 months free of cancer. Truly awesome and I am so very thankful for it. I find it hard to jump for joy so to speak though at moments like this.
Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier. I have my health. I am thrilled about that. I went in, my oncologist smiled, gave me the good news and I could have that wonderful moment of not worrying. But the "high" that comes with it only lasts shortly I find. Almost instantly I feel like a jerk because I am in the chemo clinic. There are active patients everywhere and people finding out they have cancer or are waiting on results or whatever. It brings me back to earth in a hurry. Like when you fall off your skis fast. It is so bittersweet. I am happy. I am lucky. Things seem to be going okay so far. But it isn't the story for everyone. It is a hard moment. Why does one person get to do well while others don't. It is an odd moment.
So when I leave, I call home, call my friends, and they all can be relieved too. Some people are great and give me all the time I need to talk about it. Some people just give me the "yeah I knew" and didn't seem too concerned at all. This is also a weird feeling. I am glad they are not bothered but at the same time, kind of mad about it. Why weren't they more concerned? Are they concerned at all? I don't know. I guess I am just a bit jealous that they don't have to worry or choose not to show me that they worry. It seems like leading up to an appointment some people give you all the time in the world, and then once it is over, they cut off communication again. I don't understand it. No worries I guess. I think I am just a bit confused by it all.
The check up results day is such an odd experience and no way to describe it properly I think. At least by me. I am happy to get good news after all the stress of medical tests. I get a few days to not worry. I wait until I get my appointment card in the mail and think about the next one. I think about all the people who haven't been as fortunate as me. It is an emotional day is all. I think about a lot of things, probably too much on these days. But I keep moving forward, as bittersweet as it is.