I have found over the last few weeks and months while writing this blog it has become almost a kind of therapy for me.
When I was going through cancer treatments a lot of people told me they kept a journal of what they were going through, and I really couldn't understand why. Why would you ever want to go back and read about something that for me, was the worst part of my life, by quite a long shot. The physical pain was unreal and the mental stress extremely taxing. Why would you ever want to revisit that? So I buried it deep down. But I have come to the realization that I never dealt with it.
While I was sick, it was easy to push the emotional side of things out of the picture. I was in pain all the time and that took the forefront. When I got better, it kind of came to the surface and I didn't really know how to deal with it. I have tried different types of counseling but I still have not found one person that I am really comfortable talking about it all too. And i think that is just part of the process.
Writing has helped me in this regards. I can just write down what I am thinking and if nothing else get it off my chest. I can "put it out there" for the world to respond as it sees fit. My concerns and stresses began to get so intense, and I had no outlet. Writing is my outlet. I can deal and describe things as I see them, and in my own time with no rush. I can even edit them if I so choose!
For me, blogging and seeing other peoples blogs (survivors, patients, care givers) I see now that a lot of what I went through is normal, and there is support. Maybe most importantly I saw I wasn't alone.
I don't often look back at old posts, but sometimes I do. I like that I can look back and say to myself and see that one particular day of stress is behind me at least. The problem may still be there but I have acknowledged it. Writing allows me to acknowledge and concerns or fears I have, and if I choose make it public or make it private. It is helping move in a direction where I can "get over it".
I understand the journals now.