Hoping for an Opportunity to do New Things

One of the things I didn't really like about being sick was the healing process (ongoing), but particularly, the events that occurred when I finished treatment. Mainly, going directly back to work.

I don't begrudge people who don't have to do this, and I know I shouldn't complain because some people don't have work to go back to. But it is a difficult place sometimes.

I went back to work during radiation for two main reasons. First, I needed to get out of my house, work seemed like the best easiest place to go for this. Secondly, I was running out of money. I had to go back to work.

My doctors told me it would be beneficial to take some time off, but I really had no way of doing that. People suggested vacations, traveling, taking some time to rediscover my priorities, but the fact remained I couldn't. I have heard that it really benefits you. I needed money and people around me needed me to be "normal" and "better" again.

A lot of people (or perhaps some of the most publicized people) got to go out and travel and do some wonderful things. I have done a lot of new things that I haven't before (like volunteering, raising money for the BCCF, etc.) but I have never really been able to focus on myself or take full advantage of what seems like an almost "rediscovering" or "bettering" of themselves that many young adults get to do. And I have to say I am a bit jealous.

I haven't been able to take time away from work, travel, focus fully on fundraising, or whatever. I know that it is part of life in this regards, but it still sucks. Going back to work immediately was hard, but like everything else I have dealt with it as best I can. However, I feel like I missed an opportunity. Even now, when I look back on what I went through and how I would do things differently, or look for new things to do I feel pressure that I can't. I can't simply go off on a trip, can't try many new things. It is simply a matter of what time is available to me, and what commitments I have. 

I don't think this is a bad thing necessarily, I have done some things that I wouldn't of before, I just wish I had more of an opportunity to focus on myself and doing new things that I wanted to. But that is life sometimes!