Being Okay with Not Being Okay

It is hard to admit to yourself that something is really wrong with your life or with yourself. Especially when you go through something hard or traumatic. It took myself a really long time to admit to myself some of the things I went through when going through cancer treatment.Being able to say you are not okay, is very difficult to do. I finally am coming to grips with the fact that I am in some regards not okay with what happened to me, and what has happened since.

It really took its toll on me and as odd as it may seem, it took a year away from treatment to really realize all the brutal things I went through, not only from a physical but an emotional stand point. I joke about it a lot of the time, more as a barrier I think to not really talking about it and I think that has helped up until now. 

I realize that I went through a year of basically what I would call hell with chemo, surgery, radiation and the countless times I got sick. I was basically in pain for twelve straight months.

I know it is nothing really different from what other cancer patients go through, but it doesn't make it any less important. I am now starting to try to take care of myself and deal with some of these things. The hardest part so far has been that I need to ask for help. 

I feel like I have asked for quite a bit help so far, maybe already my fair share if you will. Between doctors, nurses, friends and family, I feel like I have already used up "my share". I don't want to be a bother or cause any more hardships for people. I think that is common for cancer survivors. I was a burden long enough, and I don't want to be one any more.

I am forcing myself to start to deal with these things now. I have gotten very irritable at work, and very unhappy and these are not characteristics of me.These are things that I need to deal with and get back in working order.

Admitting to myself that I am not "okay" has been difficult. It felt like a big shot to my pride, and self worth. I don't want to take up more peoples time, and if I am lucky it won't take up too much, but getting me emotionally back on track is becoming my top priority.